Tuesday 1 December 2009

Well it sure has been a long time since my last post!! I'm not actually sure where to start - I don't feel like much has gone on in the past week or so, but when you live a life as full of mayhem as mine there are bound to be stories. So I shall commence typing and see what flows out...

I've kind of been a bit sick the past week - I have this recurring thing that I just can't seem to shake and so I finally bit the bullet and went to the doctor about it. Going to the doctor after I've had it three months in a row made me realise how much like a man I can be sometimes. It took me 3 months to go and get treatment. Until then, I'd just been thinking to myself "No, it's fine, don't be such a wimp, not everything has to be a drama.". Anyway, hopefully all will be well now that I am behaving like a woman and employing my common-sense again.

I'm back in the game! I'd sort of given up on dating after the disaster that was seeing someone I went to school with and had a massive crush on 10 years ago. Seems people really aren't always what you've made them out to be in your head!! I've got a date tomorrow night. I'm quite excited actually - he seems very lovely and actually appears to care about my well-being, which I find disconcerting. I think this could be an area of improvement for me. I seem to have it in my head that I should care about myself and other people should care about themselves and we should all just go along like that. It freaks me out when someone takes a genuine interest in me - mainly I just don't believe them and wonder what it is they are after from me. I think it only applies to romantic interests - with friends it seems different. I think...and this is just me tossing ideas around...I think I equate caring for me with trying to control me. I dated an extremely controlling person for about 2 years when I was in my early 20's and though I never let him actually control me, he spent the whole time trying and it appears to have scarred me. I actually behaved like an absolute brat towards the end of our relationship - it was fun! He was a jerk.

Now, with this man I am seeing tomorrow night, he seems fab and very smart, well mannered etc...there are but 2 issues I am playing with... He is younger than me. Now I know that in this day and age that is completely fine etc, but I've ALWAYS dated older guys - and not just a little older, but like 7 - 10 years older. I don't know if I can adjust...I guess if the chemistry is there I will be able to. Now to the more pressing issue...he has the same name as my ex. And not an ex from years ago, but my recent ex, the ex I dated for almost four years and am still mates with... Can this divide be crossed?? I think it will be a case of seeing if I can get used to it... It's a very common name. If I strike it off, I really am limiting my pool of possible suitors. I really like that word. Suitors. It sounds posh.

I've had a couple of bad food days recently - actually more like too much booze which led to a pizza on Saturday. Then today I ate properly apart from about 6 shots of coffee (in the form of flat whites so quite a lot of milk too) and a slice of raisin toast with butter. I guess in the scheme of things it isn't that much, but for me it is so foreign that I feel quite freaked out by it. I always worry that it will become a habit and all of a sudden I'll wake up and be this monsterous lady who washes herself with a rag on a stick. I guess if I start considering purchasing a rag on a stick I'll know things have gone too far and I need to pare back the raisin toast.

I've started myself on a little project - a Noah's Ark of Music. I think it's a great idea actually and I'm very pleased with myself for coming up with it!! I've started with Heavy Metal because I think it will be the most challenging genre for me to listen to two albums from end to end, and it will get better from there. But who knows - maybe I'll like it. I don't mind some fairly heavy rock, so I might just cross over to the dark side - watch this space, I am prone to getting totally engrossed in things like this so next time you see me I might just be wearing cuffs with spikes and dressing all in black. No chance of any facial piercings though.

So what I really need to come up with is a comprehensive list of musical genres for me to follow. Those that know me well will know that everything in my life must be in list format, ideally bullet pointed for easy reading. I am terribly OCD.

Tomorrow I must work out like I've never worked out before. I am really behind in my cardio and I don't like leaving it till the end of the week. I don't even know if Run Club is on this week, so that's another 60 minutes I may have to motivate myself to do - eek! I asked my trainer on Monday and he looked at me blankly for a bit until I explained that all the other trainers are going to do this thing involving a lot of mud on Saturday so I thought the studio might be closed. He just didn't answer me and kept on with the session. I'm so confused! I guess I should assume it's not on and that I have to draw on all of my inner strength to do 60 minutes of hard cardio on my own.

I'm kind of getting a bit bored of Run Club anyway - it's just the same run every week and though that's fine, it's not like there are fabulous runners in the group that I can chase and try to increase my own fitness that way. I seem to mostly be at the front of the pack, and this week just gone it only took me 15 minutes to finish the run and I played on the swings for about 5 minutes until everyone else got there. Not that I mind playing on the swings. But I'm definitely the sort of person that needs to be striving for something - with this, it's just "Run till you get there, do a bit of other stuff, then run back." which I guess is fine and hard to make it any different given that it is group training. But I don't find it physically stimulating. There is this fabulous lady, Katrina, that does it. We met at boxing last week and we were totally the bad kids in the group - at one point we were both almost falling over with laughter, about nothing in particular. So I do like the social side of group training, though I am sure the trainers HATE my constant blabbering. I can't help it. I have a lot to say. About everything. All the time.

Last but not least, I am finally starting to wish that I could get my TV to tune. I'm getting pretty bored and there really is only so much one can do on the internet. In the evenings I kind of wish I could watch some mindless American sitcom/crime shows before bed. But it won't be long before I get my big TV, I just gotta wait it out. And it is worth the wait, cos it means I get to have Jeff!! The other lady who bought the little black boy is picking which one she wants this week - I'm hoping she doesn't pick the one I've picked but I don't have any say in it so I just gotta wait. I'm worried if she does pick that one that I'll always feel a little bit cheated and I won't love the one I get as much. It's stupid. My friend Ria tells me it's stupid, and she is the smartest lady I know.

- B xxx